Whilst sitting there, with a pen and paper in my hand, I wrote.
I hesitated sharing this at first simply because I think it would leave a pious impression however, the reason I am posting this is because I want others to realize that these kinds of thoughts, emotions, and ideas exist. None of it is fake. When someone says, ‘Yeah, I could not sleep comfortably last night because my thoughts got the best of me,’ or ‘Yes, I feel this way. Truly I do,’: someone actually means it…
Sometimes it is comforting to know that you are not alone in that deep, dark mind of yours; that others have puzzled about the very same ideas your mind cannot grasp. Perhaps this is another reason but whatever the matter, I felt the need to share.
“My heart is hard, it is coated with ignorance and ego. To be soft, this layer must shatter into a million pieces and stretch in different direction across oceans. These pieces must deteriorate, so much so that they lose shape and then are destined to wither away. If his evil whispers hang on to these pieces in midair, allow Him to come forth and crumble the remnants with His Might. Never do I wish to see these pieces again, not now, not tomorrow, not ever. Behold! The soft interior of the heart. With self worth and arrogance no where in sight, this heart grows bigger without boundaries. With every utterance through a series of emotion, does this wish to expand. And with what would this heart be so full of? Love of God. Love of faith. Love of the people. Although this vision seems dreadfully far but as long as I fulfill my duties and bow down in front of Him, surely I am still treading.
This heart feeds off of light; it needs to be planted in His Garden, beneath which rivers flow. If the heart is touched, the limbs will follow soon after. Then the tongue would speak of Him whilst sitting, walking, sleeping. Once the entire body is permeated with His Love, the spirit will strengthen. I wish for my spirit to be of whom He Bestows His Blessings; I wish to be of those whom are righteous, brave, steadfast, and sincere. Only then will I see and realize His full Glory. I am weak, a sinner and I know not why I am given what others plead for in the late nights. O my Lord, what have I done to earn Thy Blessings? I am among the easily misguided, lazy, and ungrateful. I may say excellences but show nothing of. I envision righteousness but fall short too quickly. A swift blow from the evil one and down I go. I have been pulled down, drowned in the waters so many times yet You still show Mercy.
O my Lord, forgive me for what I know not, if I have ever displeased You, please accept my apologies. If You are angry with me, punish not those who believe in me. They ask for prayers but I am afraid. If Thou not accept my prayers for them, take it only on me. Grant them Thy Blessings but the prayers rooted within me, forget them in You will. I take no pleasure with who I am and how far I have come if I fail to call onto You. I have a long way to go, perhaps years, centuries even but Thy knows best. If I am to pass incurring Thy displeasure, surely You know best. If I am to pass earning Thy friendship then, my Lord, strike fear into my heart so that I rush towards You and dare not to fall prey to evil whisperings.
Bless me with armour, coated in Thy Love, for I have a journey to embark. If I have not incurred Thy displeasure, guide me please, into the light through hardships and ease. My words fall short to what I really wish to say but let me save it for another day. O Turner of Hearts, turn my heart steadfast on faith. Seal not my heart and cover not my eyes, nor my ears, for I still wish, Your Love and pleasure.”
“For what reason am I here? Why have I been given the opportunity whilst many others still wait? Why have I been accepted? O my Gracious Lord, allow me to understand, I know not of Thy plans. Enlighten my soul in your remembrance, command my eyes to weep, demand my heart to soften, for as You let it ‘Be!’ it will surely happen under Thy Will. Time after time, my soul is saddened, disappointed, disgusted. My faults have led me to believe that I am destined to never be cleansed; purified. O my Lord, let not this be the case; I am weak but truly wish for Your Blessings. My Lord, forgive me for I have wronged You and many others. I have indeed wronged myself above all; how foolish I am.
How foolish I am to think my tears can build oceans, how foolish I am to think my heart has grown enough, how foolish I am to think that no spear can pierce through my armour? How foolish I am to think I have earned a spot amongst the righteous? Laugh at yourself, you silly girl. To be amongst the righteous, takes time, effort, and undivided attention. You still have a long way young one, beware of what the journey holds but believe! Oh believe! Believe in Him who has the power to bless Thy journey, believe. Put Thy trust as the birds do, worry not of hunger. He has the power to feed all your needs so tread my beloved, tread. Tread along the pathway if you wish to be accepted.”