Where Am I Now?

I feel like I am stranded in the middle of nowhere; completely deserted. I have no clue who I am anymore or who I wish to be exactly. I have a general sense of what I desire but just scraps. A part of me has been hidden and I honestly do not know if I want to bury it even deeper or allow it to resurface.

I mean, I want that side to express itself but I feel like I want it expressed for all the wrong reasons. The remnants of my character are trying to discover their potential; their purpose. Maybe even overpower the other side of me but who knows, it can succeed or fail miserably.

I feel like I am living two lives here. The earlier years are slowly fading but I am too afraid to abandon them entirely. Regrets? I definitely want to avoid them but if I abandon either side of me, there is no escaping them. So, here I am today debating about which side to cut loose and which side to press against my soul.

You know what is kind of funny? The other side of me offered peace, security, and happiness but I cannot help myself enough to recall it. I have such a wide range of wants and that side of me just cannot accept them all. I have to choose one over the other but it is too complicated. A part of me wants to explore everything I have never had the chance to before whilst the other side is solely silencing the urge.

Growing up kind of sucks, you know? Or it may just be me. I think way too much, taking me to the deepest of realms. Either that, or I just don’t know how to handle it all yet. Perhaps the most difficult part is cornering yourself to get the truth out. Sometimes the truth is comfortable sitting in a darkened corner with cob webs and dust – totally wishing to be undisturbed.

Life would not pass too smoothly if the truth was overlooked. I constantly find myself exploring the depths of my mind and heart to find my way to it. It is brutal and I often return with bruises but it is a journey I must devour.

Well, wish me luck. I am treading but in directions unknown.

 

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2 thoughts on “Where Am I Now?

  1. Don’t know if my comment will relate to your post lol but I think I’m feeling what you’re feeling or maybe something somewhat similar. I find it difficult to figure myself out – scary even. But we all crave it don’t we? Recessing the deepest part of our souls and living wholly and as who we are meant to be, without a sense of insecurity. That is absolute freedom. Knowing yourself, both past and present and not at all dreading the future. And yes I agree 100%: growing up sucks big time! I dread the future and what it holds but I think that may be the case because I’m afraid and don’t fully know what I really want out of life yet… Hopefully hopefully hopefully you come at peace with both yourself and everything around you *soon*. ๐Ÿ™‚

    1. Anything that you thought of whilst reading this post is relatable, trust me, lol. I completely understand what you’re saying and I agree with everything you’ve said as well! I was reading your comment and I was like, ‘yaaaaas!’ till the end. Same goes to you as well, I hope that you find yourself and become content with who you have chosen to be. It’s gonna be a struggle but like I said, it’s a worthy one. Thanks for commenting girl, much appreciated ๐Ÿ™‚ xox

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